So Edge did it wrong, totally. Let’s start off with mistake numer one, listing the GOTY on the first fucking page. You bum-love the thing so much, give it a damn drum roll first, dudes, srsly. So here’s how it’s going to go: I’m doing the 2007 Edge awards (from issue 184), except I’m putting the right choises in, right as in my choices, and adding in some minor stabs at Edge as we go along. First thing I did when I got home with the mag was to go through it with a permanant marker and added my own little comments. And we begin with the Alternative Awards, games that missed the gold, silver, or bronzes of the real awards but still deserve a mention, like the stupid awards in your high-school year book like who had the best hair or who was most likely to become a porn director. I should say right now there’s only one Wii game that got an award, and it’s only for it’s box art. I’m not a reviewing press person so I don’t get hardware and games mailed to me by people who want their praise from me, so I didn’t want to have a £200 peice of kit sitting there doing nothing for the next billion years, hence no Wii, hence no Wii games played, hence no awards. These are my awards after all, they don’t come with a golden statue or additional press controversy or pissing off fanboys at a national level. They are about as useful as a list on someone’s retarded bebo page. These are all my opinions based on what I’ve played and observed over the past year. Granted, I’ll forget something. Also, because it is the new year already (so this is a little bit late) I’m going to forego the annoying texty bits and leave you with the pure and simple lists, and an invitation, one that allows you to challenge my decisions, so I can respond and tell you I’m right.
The Alternative Awards
Best Use Of A Beta - Crackdown (360)
Best Use of Annoying Leper/Poor People - Assasin’s Creed (360, PS3)
Most Dissapointing Game - Hellgate London (PC)
Best Use Of Subliminal Messaging in Box art - Super Mario Galaxy (Wii)
Best Movie based on Game Franchise - Hitman The Movie
Easiest 1000 Gamerscore - Avatar The Last Airbender: The Burning Earth (360)
Best Game that the Yanks Got But We Haven’t Yet For Some Fucked Up Reason - Rock Band (360, PS3)
Best Use of an Importer - Pokemon Diamond & Pearl (NDS)
Best MMO Patch Of The Year - EVE Trinity (PC)
Most Use Of Man-Hours - World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade(PC)
Best XBLA or PSN Game - Settlers Of Catan (XBLA)
Most Secretive Game - Alan Wake (360, PC)
Game That Should’ve Had More Development Time - Mass Effect (360)
Game I Should’ve Played More - Company of Heroes (PC)
BACK ON THE INTERBUTTZZ!! NORMAL POSTING TO BEGIN AGAIN TOMORROW!!! THE MUSINGS OF A CLOSET-EMO!!! MOAR BITCHING THAN EVER BEFORE!!! OUTLAND!!! THE ART OF AVOIDING REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS!!! RANDOM SENTENCES WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS AT THE END!!! MY DESPISING OF THE NORTH-EAST OF SCOTLAND!!! PICTURES OF BOATS WITH ABSOLUTELY THE CRAPPIEST NAMES IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!! DESU!!! MOAR FAILURE THAN EVER BEFORE!!! CRUISE CONTROL IS AWESOME!!!! WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR CULTURE/RELIGION/RACE!!! LOUD NOISES!!! BOATLOADS OF TEEN ANGST!!! EXPLANATIONS OF WHERE IVE BEEN THE PAST FOUR WEEKS!!! MEME’S UPON MEME’S OF FUN!!! PUTTING MYSELF OUT OF MY MISERY!!! MAOR STUFF EMBEDEDED INTO THE FREAKING HTML!!!! PEOPLE NEEDING TO SIGN UP TO COMMENT!!! E3 2007!!! AND IF YOU’D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE JUST SIT RIGHT THERE, I’LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE OF A TOWN CALLED BEL-AIR!!! IT’S LUPUS!!! MY INABILITY TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!! SHIT HITTING FANS!!! MISANTHROPISTIC OUTLOOKS ON LIFE!!!!! NINJAS AND A DISTINCT INTENTIONAL LACK OF PIRATES!!!! PARENTAL CONFLICTS!!! DELICIOUS CAKE!!! A CONTEST WITH AN ACTUAL PRIZE!!! ALL THIS AND MOAR COMING SOON!!!
Our regularily scheduled programming will return when I wish to leave the candy coated dream world of awesomness (where I don’t have to deal with, you know, people) for the harsh, bitter, suicide-inducing “real” world. This is, after all, the only two proper weeks of real holiday that I’ll actually get this summer and I’d rather spend it in Azeroth, or more preferably in Outland.
I guess I’ve been pussyfooting round the subject for a long while now. The love affair between me and my Wii. Stop sniggering.
So I don’t like the Wii… No, that’s harsh, and wrong to some degree. I’ve known for some time now that the Wii isn’t quite right for me. Some of it is my fault, some of it’s nintendo’s. Let’s break this down shall we?
My fault: I don’t think it’s hardcore enough for me. Think about it well, out of all the three major console devs, Nintendo have always shunned away from the hardcore audience. That’s a bit of a generalization, I know. But I’m a hardcore kinda guy, who loves his mature competative titles. Nintedo floats on it’s franchises and I don’t like them. I can take very little Mario, and when I can, it had better be at the other end of a punch from Solid Snake. Metroid get’s a big MEH from me at all times and Zelda is an adventure I always forget. Their Franchises don’t get me, apart from Pokemon which gets me every time, aslong as it’s on a Handheld and is a RPG.
Nintendo’s Fault: Well, this one should be easier. First and foremost, there’s the lack of decent games. Don’t throw me zelda, I played it and was majorly underwhelmed. There is nothing bar one game in nintendo’s future catalogue that I want to play. Why is this? For one simple reason, Nintendo like to shovel the same old shit out infront of us time after time, and the fanboys eat it up. Shit eaters, if you will.
Then there’s the lack of any third party support. It’s no wonder that all the major third party title are coming out on two consoles, namely the PS3 and 360. No decent third party wants to take their Hardcore, Mature title and port it to a console with unproven controls, majorly less technical power than the competitors, and market it to an audience that’s a whole 180-degree shift than what the title was ment for.
Online’s a fucking joke. I don’t think that nintendo can get it together this generation. They’re too scared of pedophiles to open up their system to the masses and let them manage online the way they want to. Friend codes are Retarded. Virtual console is another outlet for ninty to spew out the same old crap again. And all the other online features (news, weather, browser) you can get from a better place, it’s called a PC and you’re using one to look at this right now!
Controls are unproven, and I feel like it’s something I have to put up with because it seems all Gimmickey. Wii Sports has been the single game that has crafted the controls perfectly a whole one that works on a console that was built for it’s controls.
I don’t want to get all hissy about this, shit happens, I’m not keen on Nintendo. I never have been. The “shiny factor” has worn off and I’m over the Wii. That said, the one game that I want to play is Super Smash Bros Brawl. Everyone will have that game, so It’s not like I’ll never play it. A £200 console isn’t worth just SSB.
The future of Wii will not, I’m sure, be as shitty as the Gamecube. It might verge on it, but it can never be that bad. It might also verge on “Fad”, which is a shame for nintendo. I want to get out early, I can’t be hanging on waiting for that one game that defines the system only to find out that it’s called Zelda and I’ve already played it… and didn’t like it.
Now to the final point, I’m selling my Wii. There’s a guy out there I know is interested, but If he doesn’t want it I’ll drop it on Ebay.
I think I’ll buy a PS3 instead. Thought I’m not in any rush, I want one just to have one so that when the games come out that I want to play I can play them. This might seem a bit Hypocritical considering the past few paragraphes. But Sony has managed to deliver before and will have games that I want to play. God of War 3 and Metal Gear 4, to name a few. Selling my Wii will get me halfway there.
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January 2nd, 2008 by /images/author.gif)
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