Pagoda of Gaming

Yes, another new feature. Atleast with this one, I don’t have to write it every week, and you don’t have to read it every week. This is totally the Blog’s THREE-HUNDREDTH-POST. Yey me and my insignificant perseverance! Let’s not look back at the gigantic downfall my life has taken since I started this Blog. Nay, let us look into the next paragraph and thus onto the future. Fat Penis.

So an interesting thing occured to me this week at work whilst I was doing mindless repetative task #1, I actually have no idea what is still coming out this Pwnmas. Those “Spring 2010″ delays that are in effect really threw a curveball at me. So I figure I should analyse the rest of the christmas catalogue on the Blog in order to become stabalised once again. Three Months, One Quarter, One Ever Changing Release List, EQUALS SIGN DIVIDER GOOOO!!!! (But to clarify, these are the games that I am interested in, hence the lack of Wii titles and sports games)
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The Rest Of September

The game we’ve already had this month is Arkham Asylum, and it is fucking amazing - but we’re not back-to-the-futureing here, hence it’s not on the list. WET came out on friday, but after playing the demo a couple of weeks ago, I’m going to avoid it at all costs. I found it to be a really ugly, messy game that causes physical repulsion when played - but that’s just my opinion. I’m glad that there’s a Layton sequal, but I haven’t finished the first one yet (I realise my fault there) so no second course for me. Maybe I can play some more of the first one whilst I mine shit in EVE.

I’m naming Halo 3: ODST as my pick of the month - I’m just really excited for this game’s release. I know that some people plainly don’t get the haloes, but I consider myself a fan - though unrabid. For myself and many, Halo was the reason to buy an Xbox, and since then we’ve played many many more excellent games. But for us, a Halo release is an event, and we allow ourselves to be pulled in by the marketing and hype, and we recieve an experience from that has yet to dissapoint. Staring at the Halo 3 poster on my wall, I salute Bungie, and prepare myself to drop next tuesday.

As a side note: isn’t it fucking weird that ODST is hitting on a Tuesday? weird. Also, I just preordered.
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Rocktober

It’s been years since there’s been a South Park game, and that’s easily explained, considering the nature of previous titles. But I respect Matt and Trey too much to not notice this game. It could be good, and a free trial should solve the mystery.
I mentioned on a previous blog post that I really liked the Tropico 3 demo, but I think I’d need to be on holiday or something to really have time to dedicate to the game - So I’m not rushing out to get it, but maybe in the future. The game will also be released on Steam.
I’m reasonably underwhelmed by Borderland’s presentation so far, but the Giant Bomb crew have had positive feelings towards previews of the game, so I’ll have to wait for a review to sway my purchasing decision.
Uncharted 2 should be better than the Original - that I have yet to finish due to “GIANT BRICK WALL OF HARDNESS, let’s go play something on the Xbox instead“. From what I recieved from the Multiplayer beta is that they’ve made a game beyond the last, fixing some of the shortcomings of the original, and added in a multiplayer experience on par with most Xbox Live enabled titles.
Not much to say about the Ballad of Gay Tony, other than I’m going to be fabulously there on day 1. If Lost and the Damned was anything to go by, this should be even awesomer than the original disk game. I think both the DLC adventures are going to be released on the PS3 this month too, and I urge PS3 owners to pick them up.
I mention Fallout 3 as it is a Game of the Year edition, full of every piece of DLC content they’ve released for the game. So if you havent got my personal choise for game of the year 2008 yet, now would be the time to do so. Again, I believe this is coming out on the PS3 in the same month, complete with the DLC’s and new Trophy Support.
Sadly I never really got into Little Big Planet, though I fully endorse the ideal the game represents. Putting it on the PSP may be a way to bring it to a wider audience, especially when the PSPGo is hitting shelves. I won’t be there, but I’ll be keeping my eye on this one.

My pick of the Month for Rocktober is the game that has dubbed the month so. I hope, in total sincerity, that Brutal Legend sells trillions of copies and makes Tim Schafer a rich motherfucker. So rich that he can afford to turn himself into a game making cyborg that can simply output games from his crazy-masterful mind via USB. Or, just enough to allow Double Fine another AAA title.
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Modernwarvember

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be playing Modern Warfare 2 this month. Hence it is my completely obvious pick of the month. I’m seriously considering obtaining 2 copies for the game, one for the X-Box (and the achievements and the nice HDTVness) and one for the PC, so like Fallout 3, it may come wherever I go, and so I can play with people who are not blessed with a 360. There was a tonn of info on Multiplayer that dropped in the last week, THIS should sum it up for you.

I’m on the edge about getting DJHero. It’s a £90 game via amazon, and that’s the price of MW2 and Brutal Legend put together, but there’s just something about it that has my brain hooked on it, and Daft Punk. I missed out on any Music game action last year altogether - the Burn I recieved from Rock Bands EU release has hurt me for life, but maybe I should get back on the saddle, depending on how good santa is to my bank account that is.

Left 4 Dead 2 is a known quantity of a purchase so much that I have basically pre-pre-ordered it. I need no previews, and I need no Reviews. Give me a date and a price and I’ll be there. Interestingly, I’m thinking about getting a 360 copy, If I can on the cheap. XBox Live seems like a good place for the game.

Assasin’s Creed 2, I don’t really know what to say. The last game left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth with it’s weird and often unneccesary gameplay mechanics and it’s more unneccesary collection quests. Maybe those crazy french canadians have had enough time and funding to fix those previous problems. As a side note, how do you think the game looks compared to the last? from the videos I’ve seen it looks like it’s received a bit of a graphical downgrade.
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Deadcember

Yeah… 1 title. I suppose December is where the desperate developers will release their undated games. There’s just The Saboteur, but despite it’s somewhat uniqueness (think Assasin’s Creed + Hitman * Nazis) and Inglorious Basterdsness, I think I’m beyond over WW2 games.

There’s a good chance we’ll all still be playing MW2 this month anyway, and on our 3rd prestige run.
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Have You Seen These Release Dates?

These game’s were slated for release in 2009 but have yet to show face. We’ve heard next to nothing about each of these titles, except the God of War collection, but aslong as that’s out before III we shouldn’t be gushing for it. The APB beta is probably (yes, just the Beta) is probably my most sought after of all of these. I yearn for that game so much. Why don’t you check out this new gameplay trailer(HD +Fullscreen For The Win):

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So that’s it. Despite all the delays til next year, this should be a fun packed Pwnmas afterall. So what are you guys looking forward to playing? And what is on your Santa wishlist?

Before I go, I actually have a rather pressing question. My PC monitor broke a couple of weeks ago (somewhat mysteriously) and I’ve been looking to get another one - once my bank account fills up a bit. I don’t really use it much, since the Nintop provides better everything than my old dreadnaught of a PC. But I miss the Dual Screening I used to get with my Laptop and hooking it up to my TV is somewhat uncomfortable. So my question: Where’s a good place to get a new Monitor online. I’ve had a look at some of Amazon’s offerings, but if there is a place my adoring public can reccomend that can give me something cheaper that’d be great. I found THIS on amazon, and that’s what I might end up getting if I don’t get a suggestion.

Join me in Deadcember as I analyse the releases of spring 2010. Next post - watch as I make some demonic pacts with cards and stuff. You can also scroll down to the previous post too to bask in the overwhelmingness of a 4000 word text on Flash Bear MTG deckbuilding tactics. If you’re into that sort of thing.

And you can’t explain why you claimed your cat

- got home burst through the door and BAM! crazy cammie is on stage and says “10 new balance board games”. Great. Missed about 10 mins, dont think there was anything exciting there.

- Reggie. To paraphrase “We have giant e-peen, and money printer”. Talking motion plus. Don’t we alredy know about all this stuff? EVEN NINTENDO HAS A MOOOOWWWNNNTAAAAHGGGEEE!! lol, the Wii Condom looks funny. Turns out this is a new Wii sports trailer - it certainly took it’s time to get tothe point. HAHA PEREPHERALGEDDON! Cant buy that shit without buying a Motion Plus.

- Motion Plus demo. Again, don’t we already know all this? And wasn’t this what the Wii was supposed to do in the first place. Archery, skydiving, basketball.

- Bunch of new games with Motion Plus. GENERIC SPORTS GAME, and GENERIC SPORTS GAME and GENERIC SPORTS GAME and Red Steel 2.

- Final Fantasy Crystal Bearers. IS DAT SOME PS2 GROPHOCS? Mwhahaha. Looks really…. meh.

- New Kingdom Hearts, I expected it sooner, That’s a franchise made for that console.

- Mario DS game. Set inside…. Bowser’s stomach? It’s an RPG.

- old franchise returning. Oh Golden sun. I fucking hate Golden Sun. Nice visuals for the DS tho.

- Crazy Lady is back. “James Patterson’s Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion.” WHAT THE FUCK. It’s a fucking read your own adventure. “Cop: The Recruit” Looks like they’re trying to upstage Chinatown wars. Really Lame name. “Style Savvy” Ugh fucking Fashion simulator for the DS. NOOOOOOO THANK YOU.

- DSi Montage… No games, interviewing people about how awesome the console is. Total sales over 2 months = 1 million units in america, same time 400,000 units of the DS lite sold.

- Flipnote studio. essentially an animated gif creator. Talking about user generated content on a DS. Mario and Donkey kong ‘lemmings’ out on DSiware on monday. Make your own Warioware, ‘microgames’ game. Facebook photo uploader coming in the summer.

- Spirit Tracks. No new info - playable on the show floor.

- Iwata Takes the stage. Blah blah numbers numbers. expanding the gaming population.

- new mario bros wii? guess that’s what I missed at the start. Kotaku tells me it’s a 2D 4 player Mario game. Meh.

- Wii Vitality sensor. Lol WTF. Iwata wants to know about the inner workings of my body. it’s a pulse monitor that plugs into the wiimote. Audience is wonderfully silent as he walks off stage.

- crazy lady is back. she seems alot more mellower than last year. New 3d mario title. Galaxy 2, with Yoshi. HEHE, they left the UR MR GAY stars on the logo.

- Reggie reads the blogs too aparantly. says people like me want more. I dunno man, I’ve been living fine without a Wii. Conduit trailer. Resident Evil The Darkside Chronicles…. It’s looking like an onrails shooter. Speaking of, onto Dead Space Extraction. HOW DOES I REUSE ASSETS LOL!

- new “edgier” game from nintendo themselves. Theyre amking a game with team Ninja. Somthing in spoace. lots of cgi. Metroid reimagining, what the hell. 3rd person shooter. does look like they;ve gone foe the more relistic look.

- conference if over….. That was predictabally underwhelming. Thanks for giving me a reason to own a DSi you fucking jerks. jeeze.

Thank fuck we’ve got Sony up next, I hope. See you there!

‘Nin Out!

Now we’re onto a double-whammy of Third Party Power from Electronic Arts and Ubisoft. Going to be watching these from my bedside, I think I’ll be watching this stuff into the wee-hours.
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- Think I missed the start a little. They were talking about kids games and shit, dont think I missed anything important.

- Dragon Age Origins, looks ok, but I’ll have to wait until the reviews are out. Lol, they played the stupid Marilyn Manson Trailer.

- Mass Effect 2, first proper trailer. looks like a fun experience, I really hope they fix some of the problems the first one had - UI, save system, inventory and controls for starters. I really need to play through the first one this summer.

- FUCK YEAH PETER MOORE! he’s talking EASports tho. Boxing - meh. MMA…..? ah, Mixed Martial Arts. Know what I want to see? Some new SSX. on a proper console. FUCK YOU BLUR! FUCK YOU!! Wii Stuff. Workout trainer. I’ll admit, all this sports stuff is pretty impressive. (I’ll just never play any of it). Bring on the games where I kill things. HAHAHAHA Moore nearly hut Pete Samprass in the head with a Wiimote.

- Just noticed the viewer counter on the player, 12,000 poeple are watching the stream.

- Sabotour. stage demo. Ah, this is the Nazi in paris meets hitman game. Nice looking game, sin city style stuff. Think I’ll wait for the reviews tho.

- HEHEY! There’s Geff Gherstmann! not on stage - shot on the audience.

- Brutal Legend! Tim Schafer! Fuck he’s awesome. talking about the voice talents, very impressive. Ozzy’s doing a voice in the game. That’s really awesome. sneak peek trailer. Special trailer from Jack Black. hehe, Rocktober 09.

- Crytek guys now. working with EA on crysis 2. going to be on 360, ps3, and pc. Being simultaniously developed for all 3 consoles. aww, no trailer.

- OH SHIT, EA is partnering with Realtime Worlds.
DAVE JONES! sounds like they’re really redone the game since the first showing over a year ago. TRAILER TIME! Stage demo = DENIED! It looks really interesting. Maybe with EA up their ass, they’ll release the damn thing.

- star wars??? INVASION OF THE COSPLAYERS! Bioware guys again. The Old Republic, first fully voiced MMO. VOICE ACTING FOR EVERYONE! All talking, DEATH TO TEXT BOXES! First cinematic trailer shown. Looks cool and all, but what about Gameplay?

EA Press Conference Over
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More MS News - Stuff they missed out on in their event. Avatar items are coming, everything from t-shirts to spartan armor to pom-poms. Also, a games on demand service that’ll let users download digital versions of boxed games.
HERE and HERE for links to the Kotaku stories.
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Ubisoft Presser on the way. sems like it was starting a little late.

- Even Ubisoft has a montage. Lots of Assasins creed. seems like there’s going to be alot of Wii shite. They’ve payed some actor to do this. I don’t know him. Comedian? not in my eyes. STOP TALKING. STOP TALKING!!!! The CEO is on stage - he is freaking tiny and reallllly french.

- cross platform online ubisoft dashboard thing. accessed through the game. very odd.

- CEO is still talking. All about their shitty Wii Games. Sounds like they are jumping on MS’s new Natal technology. They’ve been working on that stuff for a while aparantly.

- Aparantly they bought the studio that did the CGI for 300 and Sin City. They keep going on about this Avatar thing - I really know nothing about this franchise. Assasin’s creed short movies being released in the winter…. They have yet to actually talk about a proper game yet.

- James Cameron on stage, going to talk about Avatar, which I still know fuck all about. Should I care about this stuff? This is the movie based on the nickelodeon animated series, right? Starting to think it’s not….. I think he just revealed the entire plot of the movie.

- JESUS HOLY CHRIST JAMES!! STOP THE FUCK TALKING! SHOW ME SOME DAMN GAMES! I swear he’s been going on for 20 mins now. FOR FUCKS SAKE THEY DIDN’T EVEN SHOW THE GAME ON THE STAGE!

- Red Steel 2 Trailer. OH LAWD IS DAT SUM PS2 GRAPHICS. I’m just kidding, there’s no way that’s ingame footage. Stage demo. My game boner is non-existant.

- FUCK sports games… Why am I watching this again? Oh rite, Assasin’s Creed 2. They’re really crashing and burning here.

- The internet is convinced that Ubisoft is Trollin’. I would have to agree. HAHA Epic Kojima Manuver from MS Conf. earlier today.

- Ruse Trailer. Console RTS thingy. Trailer is really weird, all pre rendered and weird touch table acting thing… ugh. Oh we’re done on Ruse. Splinter Cell was on just before this, same demo as given at the MS conf.

- They’re killing me. tween games, fitness games, Rabbids, Ninja Turtles. For fucks sake. I stayed up late for this shit. To Quote the Internets: “HEY YOU’RE A BUNCH OF TWENTY SOMETHING NERDS YOU TOTALLY WANNA HEAR ABOUT OUR TWEEN PET DOG BULLSHIT GAMES INNOVASHUN LOLOLOL” and “Y U DO THIS UBISOFT” and “IT’S REALLY LIKE THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY IS COMMITTING SUICIDE!”

- finally some assasins creed, at 3am IN THE MORNING. FFS they really like their CGI. I want some gameplay. NO STAGE DEMO RAAAAAAAGGGGGEEEE!!!

That was utter shit. I need to sleep.

‘Nin Out!

-

The metaphor I posted the other day: “Our console war is now dealing with an insurgency”, wasn’t supposed to be used for another couple of days, but as I tweeted earlier on, I found something that made me rage to the depths of my Player 1. THIS. Go and take a look. Let’s look at this heresy together.

So… NO. Never. Nuh-Uhn. It’s time to dust-off the old anti Wii ammo.

One - Bioshock relies on it’s graphical intensity to deliver it’s emotions - this is true of many other current generation games - The Wii cannot deliver a beautiful cinematic experience. It’s a little shallow, but that’s the damn truth.

Two - The Wiimote doesn’t deliver precision. A mouse works so well because it has an anchor, the same can be said for a classical analogue stick, somewhat. What it does deliver is a sore fucking arm and unreliable waggleness. This prevents it from ever being competative. This applies to every game in this list. When people are seeking out Gamecube controllers to play their games with accuracy; you know you’ve got a problem.

Three - I don’t think Nintendo would like a Little Girl Harvesting Sim on their box.

Four - The only, only, way you’d get Resi 5 on the Wii was if it suffered the “Chop til You Drop Effect” - severe reduction in graphical quality, reduction in digital square footage of play area and less on-screen enemies. You’d lose in-engine cut-scenes, sound quality, and an overall feel compared to the original.

Five - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HALO ON Wii.

Six - Microsoft would never licence Halo for anything that wasn’t personal encased in carbonite by them. If it were on Wii, you would lose all the functionality that makes the online matchmaking work, because the Wii was never and will never be built to function as a proper online enabled console. Ninty are too scared of fucking pedophiles to care enough to invest in a true online community or allow a player to have a true, fleshed out, identity within those communities.

Seven - There’s only two reasons I ever played Oblivion on the 360, because the 360 had shit all out in those early post launch months, and because I could play it on a TV and not my (at the time) shitty PC. Bethesda made their mainstream name with Oblivion because they chose to do an amazing port of the game onto systems that have similar powers, but you know when you play it that it was a PC title, you can see the consoles chug along just trying to run the game. Any open world game suffers on the Wii, because as soon as development starts it instantly narrows the scope of the game as fast as it does the draw distance.

Nintendo is doing something right and something wrong at the same time. It’s Iraq - It’s trying to build for the future, it’s trying to deal with insurgency, it’s full of religious zealots and it’s got exploitable oil by the desertloads.

Wii Fit is the oil, Wii Sports is the oil. The million selling titles that no self-professed hardcore gamer should admit liking. It’s dirty oil - but that doesn’t stop Microsoft and Sony wanting a peice of the pie. They don’t really need the Oil, but they want it because it’s power. It’s goddamn greed.

The Nintendo Fanboy is the Hardcorest kind of Zealot you’ll find in the business - Shiggsy is their prophet. But they live in a fucking desertbowl. Drip-fed titles that are slowly swaying off the path of fond memories. The Insurgent collective - Soccer Moms, Newscasters and Celebrities - Are there not becase they care about gaming, but because they want what’s trendy. Ninty pulled an Apple and made ‘gaming’ cool and attractive to the masses, just as apple did with laptops and MP3 players. It’s as if they’re there simply for the war and glory.

But then there’s the DS. The sining light - some of the time. Compared to the Wii it’s drastically simple, it’s a twisted take on proven technologies, tightly designed and above all, it’s supremly charming.

When the DS isn’t being shoveled ware like there’s no tomorrow, it’s an amazing thing to behold. This week, my game boner has been ragingly stoked by Chinatown Wars. It’s the perfect example of how to tackle a Ninty console. You build for the gamer not the child, you don’t get blinded by the rediculously huge install-base and stop development halfway through because you’ll make your millions regardless. You don’t rape your audience in the face with the gimmic - because then it’s only a gimmic if you do.

I find it hilariously ironic that when the heads of Nintendo stood before up at E3 all those years ago and claimed that a console without change, without redefinition, would die a horrible death on it’s third iteration. But yet they continue Reshovel old titles, prey on franchises like they were battery-hens and keep a very old plumer from his retirement.

The gaming world, you and I, deserve more from nintendo, or if they choose, nothing at all. If they know what they’ve done to their name they should just come out and say “hey, we’re killing our old franchises for good and we’re going to make games for MILFS - permenantly”. But they shouldn’t. They should commit to making more titles like Layton - that they published, that is based on an original IP, and received 5-star reviews. This April, I want to buy a DSi, but not for Reggie, ‘Moto or Iwata. I buy it for the Rockstars of the world, so they can bring out amazing games and I can be the luckiest gamer in the world and be the one to play them.

But hey, they might die like Sega. Part of me wants them to.

so keep your ass out the minibar

So here we are, Round 2, with the Ninty press con. I’m a little bit late to the punch, but I’ll use IGN’s player, so I should only be offset by about 30 mins. Not much time for reactions, since I’ll be jumping over to the (sure to be more awesome) Sony Press conference.
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SEMI-LIVE BLOG GOOOO!!!

Kami Dunnoway? who’s that? Oh god, her face just spews false emotion everywhere. OH GOD, SHE’S A MUM TOO. Well she’s already lost my Hardcore vote. She’s telling some shitty story about how she fails at snowboarding. In the words of Han, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Oh surprise, it’s a snowboarding game with the balance board…. that looks worse than SSX3. Shaun White, got payed today. Is this first party? Looks alot like the SSX Wii game I hated.

Iwata’s out now. That’s a pretty nice suit he’s wearing, bought with the souls of the gullible I’m sure (yeah, my soul too -_-). He’s talking about the size of Nintendo’s E-Peen. This may take longer than I thought “WE HAVE BEEG PEEKNEES”. Nintendo’s new audience = Old People and Girls. 200,000 DS units a week in Europe. (hehehe he said “Mon-Theys”, I think he meant months) (yes, I am typing shite because he’s boring me).

I think this “key holiday” is animal crossing. Yeah, it is. Ugh, animal crossing can suck my dick. IT HAS NO GOALS AND GAME. Wii Speak. A “community microphone”, that’s a pretty good idea, lets a room talk to a room, instead of player to player…. Like the Playstation Eye - OH BURN.

Here’s Reggie. BLAH BLAH BLAH GIANT E-PEEN BLAH. BLAH BLAH WE SELL STUFF GOOD. He’s talking about old games I hate, I’m gonna go check my emails. Oh MagicMadHouse has started selling Eventide cards, I’ll have to go check that out later. Zzzzzz…. Huh, he’s only going to show 3 new games?

Star Wars Clone Wars game trailer. Looks like a peice of shit. ANOTHER Raving rabbits game. Ugh, it makes too much noise. I feel sorry for the ‘rents that have that in their house. CoD: World At War. I guarantee you it’s better on the PC. I guess he just meant 3rd party Wii titles.

The Failure At Snowboarding Mother is back. Please let me take a Sledgehammer to your face. Talking GH On Tour, And there’s going to be a sequal already… Is the first one even on sale here yet? Spore Creatures on DS. Looks pretty lame, I think I’ll pass. Pokemon Ranger game, a new one, I might’ve cared if it were classic RPG, but I know that it’ll be another 2-3 years before we see another one of those. GTA: Chinatown Wars. People applauded, I dunno why, it’s not like they showed any indication of how good it’ll be. Whatever, it’ll sell boatloads, people are retarded.

Reggie’s back. “Wii MotionPlus”, also known as, “THIS SHOULD’VE BEEN THE WIIMOTE 2 YEARS AGO BUT WE LIKE TO SELL YOU THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T NEED”. It goes with a new Wii Sports. “Wii Sports Resort”. Stupid Dog Frisbee game. Watered Down Waverace Game. Sword Dueling Game = Stupid nonsensical wave the mote around as fast as you can game. 45mins til the sony con, I can’t wait.

Oh it’s the Wii music game. I thought it was going to be something… Metroid or Mario. And here’s Miyamoto. I think a million Nintendo Fanboys are BAWWWWing right now. He’s “playing” the saxophone with a Wiimote. There doesn’t seem to be a “game” to it, So it’s either a glorified tech demo, or it’ll trick you into thinking you can play music. Aaaaand there’s the mario reference that the fanboys’ll like…. I guess. 5 of them are playing the Mario song that’s heard all the time. And they’re gone.

Reggie’s back for closing, with Mrs Emotive Face. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I think it’s over now, thank god, it was pretty painful.

Right-O, I’m going to go and take a shit before the Sony Con starts, maybe grab some eats too. BRB.