Pagoda of Gaming

I awoke today to a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise, so I didn’t answer it. Point being that I knew at that moment that my spring cold had arrived. Note to self - pick up some Beechams Hot Berry, oh yeh.

Well I doubt I mentioned it, but through the wonders of Ebay, I got my mitts on the Harvey Birdman game (you know, the one they have no intent of releasing here because TV in the UK sucks so much they don’t show it at a worthwhile time of day). Lucky me, the PSP is region free, information that was locked in the deepest trenches of the interwebs. The game is very good, though I’d rate it about a point higher than 1up’s review. I guess you really need to enjoy the show to love the game, because that’s what the game essentially is, 5 episodes of the show plastically surgicalised into a light point and click adventure game. There is little game there to be honest, a very stripped down Pheonix Wright, but I’m cool with that, because it has alot of what Pheonix Wright doesn’t have. High-def video, a non-8-bit sounding soundtrack and removal of all text chat to favour some actual talking for a change, except when conversing with Yakky-doodle, oh sorry, Chemical Castration.

There’s some new PSP firmware out that I’ve yet to grab. Essentially it adds integration of Skype, which people, and myslef, are somewhat pleased about, though I’ll never use it. Check out the details HERE. I’m posting about this because there seems to be a lack of people complaining about the NO FUCKING DIVX in the console. And if there’s one thing I REALLY want updated for the console it’s that. Y? because I fucking hate .mov, plain and simple, and I fucking hate converting files to .mov. I’m hoping that this will happen at all, let alone soon. I mean, the PS3’s already got it, hell, even the 360’s already got it.

Faith and a .45 is looking VERY INTERESTING. I’ll keep my eye on it.

Poor Billy G. It seems that the best way to get your console fixed after a red-ring is to harrass the man himself, though I do like Kotaku’s idea: “That’s nice and all. Though, we totally would’ve emailed someone else [J. Allard]. Because when we want shit done, we want it done eXtreme. ” CHECK IT.

Today’s funnies brought to you from Loading Ready Run, and a very well done parody of the infamous Fox news interview. CHECK IT.

Rez HD is out! Now that’s the kind of game where you don’t bother with the trial game. Which I did. currently 51% downloaded, impressions later. Luckily I had 910 points left in my account, which I was saving for, get this, Rock Band songs. Well, a boy can dream. Though at this point, I’m just thinking where I’m going to put my second controller.

There seems to be a super-secret final beta stage in the development of Magic:The Gathering Online Version 3. I’m assuming it’s a stress test, but for the short 4 hours of this stage, all cards and tourney entrances are free. CHECK IT. It starts at 10pm tomorrow (GMT) and lasts until 2am friday, and hopefully, it might give me some time to test out a Lorwyn Faerie deck or two. MTGO isn’t the thing I would pay for, but I’m certainly willing to try it for free

And finally, a small mention to “The Guild”. I guess it’s a Mocumentary along the lines of Pure Pwnage, centered around the life of (what I presume is) a WoW guild. The episodes are short and sweet, and are shot extremely well. CHECK IT.

oom bop bop good vibrations

Funnies first, seriose later.

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Right-O, Seriose teim, let’s get you up to speed on the whole situation, watch this:

DOESN’T THIS MAKE YOUR BLOOD BOIL? DOESNT THIS FILL YOUR HEART WITH THE HATRED OF A THOUSAND FURIOUS SUNS? DOESN’T IT JUST MAKE YOU WANNA…. WANNNA…….GRRRRRRRRRRRR…..ARRRRRRRRRRGH….

God forbid a parent has to be involved in what their kids are looking at these days. God forbid that any parent would take the time to be involved in their childs life. Oh no, let’s just take our ignorant views and fear of technology and be A BUNCH OF FUCKING WHORES. I mean jesus fucking christ, there’s nothing wrong with the rating systems (though Manhunt 2 may beg to differ) and there is nothing wrong with game content, there is something wrong with YOU!

Cooper Lawrence was only there to promote her book, which if you take a look at the amazon reviews it’s been getting, I suppose she needs all the press she can get, huh? Grats Bitch, you’ve joined the Jack Thompson ranks, AND EVEN HE DOESN’T AGREE WITH YOU. And did you catch that other whore at the end: “This made me feel old watching this, whatever happened to Atari and pinball and Pac-Man”. Well, maybe you are old and shut up about the AO rating, I’ve seen worse on 12A films.

Alot has happened since that aired. The crazy bitch has taken back her statements, but we still hate you. And EA have asked for an apology from Fox, but have yet to get the response they want, only a “why don’t you come on air and talk about it” offer. Looks like Fox News wants to milk this for all it’s worth.

Major props to EA for defending their developers all the way. Super-major props to Geoff Keighley for being a bad-ass pimp, for putting up with that whore of a woman on live TV and I hope you get to layeth the smackdown all proper like, very soon. And Major props to the gamer nation for being pissed off about this, because we should be.

Could you people hurry up and either leave us the fuck alone or just die already, because you do not want to mess with the warrior.

I can’t wait to see the media frenzy when GTA4 hits, the time to unite is now my bretheren, so we may be ready for the coming war.
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Now for something completely different. Burnout Paradise.

I like the game, very much, but I think it’s of an acquired taste. The thing is, I don’t have to convince you to buy it, I have just to convince you to download the demo on your respective console (lol, I’m not talking about you Wii owners), and if you can stomache playing through the demo 2-3 times, then the full game is for you. Same goes for all the burnout fans out there, you’ll love this.

I have my gripes with Burnout, something that I, somewhat enjoy highlighting. So it seems that the invisible denziens of Paradise City have an infinite need for Gillette and designer clothes by Diesel or I have two very persistant virtual stalkers on my hands. I want to know how much EA sold out to put all this advertising into the game, I’m talking epic “I Robot” levels of advertising. It’s not that the advertising being there is what annoys me, it’s the frequency of it, and the lack of different ads to shove in your face. Because I’m always seeing the same 6 companies: Burger King, Comp USA (<-who have actually now shut down), Visio, some weird sports TV channel, and the Diesel and Gillette vans. I don't mind the odd billboard, you know, to make the city seem like a city. But not a fucking skinned van.

Has someone not put a bounty out on the so-called "DJ Atomica" yet? He was actually quite a nice fellow in SSX3, and there was the option to turn him completely off. "Yes DJ Douchebag, I know how a fucking race works, I know how a goddamn marked man works, how about we cut the shit and get to it". I don't need some faggot coming on and give me some condecending remark whenever I fail an event. Actually the same goes for the camera. I don't need a fucking slow-mo, bullet timed, sepia toned, panning shot of my car everytime I fail an event. And I'm sure is isn't impossible to let me retry an event after I've failed it and ended up at the other side of the city, just teleport me to where it started, I'll gladly go through the motions thereafter. The camera is also not as nearly as interesting when it comes to crashes. There's little control of which part of the destruction you're looking at and it's always from the same close up angles so you often miss alot of the carnage if you happen to collide with a traffic jam. I find the lack of explosions disturbing.

Continuting the subject of "Selling Out", the soundtrack must've been created by the marketing team and someone who just learned how to Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. It actually starts out deceptively well, as you boot up the game you hear the gingle of Guns 'n' Roses' "Paradise City", then you get into the game and then you get *sigh* Avril Lavigne. It's trash is what it is. There's like 3 good songs in there; "Adam and the Ants - Stand and Deliver", "Faith No More - Epic" and some N.E.R.D. remix, with the remix being the only song there that fits the game. And the other half of the tracks, oh sorry, Trax are from previous burnout games, Instrumentals.

Which brings us yet again into the realm of my crazy musical tastes. Because Burnout has such a lame soundtrack, there’s nothing better to do than turn the music all the way fucking off and listen to your own tunes. Some say that this isn’t an option in the PS3 version of the game, unlike the 360’s standard of custom soundtracks in EVERYTHING. No, this feature is cleverly hidden, and all you need is a device other than your console that can play some music and some headphones. How’s that for beating the system. This week, I’ve been… um… “borrowing” from the internet some Maximum The Hormone (<- J-Rock Superstars). Here's one of my favourites from their new album, a misheard lyrics version, that's mildly hilarious. And FYI, the female singer is also the drummer. Dual Weilding FTW.

And a not-so good Live version of a more well known song of theirs. If you want to hear more, I’m sure you have the internet powers required to do so.

I’ll catch you guys next time with some scenes from a hat. Please leave your comments on the Fox News shite, I’m interested to know what you’ve all got to say.

don’t sign that paper tonight, she said but it’s too late

Lots of news today, so this might be a big one. Let’s get the bad outta the way first. It seems the governmental faggots have done it again. Manhunt 2 has been officially cock blocked by the high courts. Check out the story HERE. I just don’t fucking get it. So the governmental body that has been assigned to this shit said “itz oki, it can be 18 rated”, but then some faggoting judge or whatever says, “No, youz is wrong, I’m tellin you to change your mind”. WHAT THE FUCK. Basing his ruling on it being harmful to children. Here’s a fucking idea: DON’T SELL IT TO FUCKING CHILDREN, ohwait, THAT’S WHAT THE FUCKING 18 RATING’S FOR YOU FUCKING FAGGS! WHICH IS WHAT IT WAS FUCKING GIVEN IN THE FUCKING FUCKING FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!. Srsly, I can’t wait until this generation of Technological and New Media fearing cunts are cold dead in their graves, so we can get our fucking game on.

*calms self*

The Star Trek teaser trailer popped up and said hello and “do you have the latest version of quicktime installed?” It’s quite a good teaser, as far as teasers go. Lots of different angles on the same thing, a little jingle, and a voiceover by Leonard Nimoy, you get the idea, check it HERE.

There’s some nice previews up for GTA4. HERE at 1up and some more info HERE. And in addition to the public BLAMING on the PS3 version slowing the development (I saw it coming), there was also a release date, an official one. Get ready for APRIL 29TH. Then get ready for it to be delayed again! I wouldn’t be surprised at this point, would you?

The Devil May Cry 4 Demo is out on both PSN and XBLM, so far I’ve only played the 360 version, but I want to play both, just to check it out. There are two options in the demo, one, a 10 minute run around one of, what I assume is an early level in the game, and the other, a small intro to some new creatures, then a very epic boss fight. I can say that this game is, graphically, truly next-gen. I just LOVE seeing it played on my HDTV. However, I dunno if it’s just me, but the 360 controller feels really weird when I’m playing this. Maybe it’s just the disconnect between the old DMC and the new. More impressions when I get round to trying the PS3 version.

There’s been alot of news surrounding the Lost game, now dubbed, “Lost: Via Domus”. I can think of only one reason for this, the lost guys are going for a hype-gasm with the game teasings and season 4 coming out at roughly the same time. Clever. Now, from what I’ve seen, I think and hope that this game is going to be awesome, atleast for me, a fan of the show. Check out the details HERE, and a little developer doc HERE. There’s also some nice looking Gameplay videos HERE and HERE. I’ve seen some people complaining on how the game looks, what’s wrong with you people? The character models look great! Rumor has it that the game will be out in late Feb in the US, I dunno about over here. Found another interview/gameplay video HERE.

Grats and major props to the X-Box division guys over at Microsoft, you’re finally turning a profit! Keep up the good work!

And here is today’s video, some more from the penny arcade game.

I got stranglehold yesterday, and I’ve played it a bit. It’s a decent game, it’s just, too fucking hard. There’s an odd imbalance in there somewhere, that just takes you by the butt cheeks and rapes you in the ass. In other words, there’s alot of Learning by dying, and there aren’t as many points of saving as I would want there to be. And there’s the thing that games like this do, by giving the enemies alot more hitpoints than they really should have. More impressions when I’ve finished the damn thing. Then there’s Undertow, the free XBLA game. It’s nothing like what I expected. I haven’t played it much either, but it essentially feels like… Team Fortress 2 but underwater and two-dimentional, with a story mode. Yeh, it’s pretty weird.

So I think I’ll be playing more WoW and Stranglehold over the weekend. What about you guys? what’s your wintereenmas games?

Enjoy your celebrations!

take the land that must be taken

So I’ve been a bit absent-minded lately, and tired, very very tired. I’m sure that this condition is due to the shitstorm that’s been happening back in failserburgh the past week, but I don’t want to get into that stuff, especially over the internet. Hopefully, Winter-een-mas, whether I celebrate with friends or alone this year, should sort it out, and hopefully I’ll be back on form by the end of the gamer’s holiday. I think that, considering WeenMas starts this friday, a cinema trip would certainly start it with a bang.

My internet connection’s being a filfthy whore right now (yes you are *points angrily at router*). It has, since this morning stopped downloading things, webpages are ok, just everything else from podcasts to XBL downloads to torrents. Oh great, the fire alarm, again, look’s like it’s time to drown out the sounds with loud music.

Lovefilm’s been ok to me so far, I think I start paying for it on friday. I sent them an angry email the other day along the lines of “why the fuck aren’t you sending me any games?”. I think they got the idea, so Stranglehold’s on it’s way and should get here tomorrow. They seem to have got the whole film rental thing down, not so much with games it seems. It’s only £15 a month, so I’ll give them another month before I leave them for something less film, more game. It has been nice catching up on a bunch of films that I really should’ve seen by now. I saw the Godfather last night for the first time, it was good, decent. Don’t know why people cream themselves all over it though. And then there’s Grave of the Fireflies which is about the saddest fucking anime I’ve ever seen. srsly.

There’s some nice news circulating the web today. Tomorrow, we’ll be graced by the Devil May Cry 4 demo, aparantly on both PSN and XBLM. I wouldn’t count on that, not on PSN anyways. And Condemned 2: Bloodshot is hitting streets on March the 11th in the US, which translates to Friday the 14th over here. CHECK IT. According to Lovefilm, it’s coming out on the PS3 too, so I’m going to pre-emptively reccommed to everyone, and remind you to turn off your lights when you play. Finally, it seems that Alan Wake will require Vista to play it on the PC, oh well *strokes 360* sucks to be you. And if you are a 360 owner, you’ve got until sunday night to go pick up your free copy of the XBLA game Undertow. You know for all the live outages there were over the holidays, that I totally noticed and experienced during that period…. And there’s a guy that made a custom Eye of Judgement Table that’s pretty cool, CHECK IT.

And I hear that Rock Band has had 1 million peices of extra content downloaded for it, that’s quite impressive. You know where those downloads didn’t come from? Britain. You know why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT FUCKING OUT HERE YET!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ROCK BAND!!! NOT EVEN A GODDAMN RELEASE DATE WTF!!! Aparantly, EA, MTV and Harmonix don’t like printing money.

A couple of things I stumbled on last night. Apparantly, some dude in america is slowly converting his house into some sort of gaming fallout shelter, so when fire rains from the heavens, him and his friends can still play TF2 and Guitar Hero. check it out HERE. Dude’s got a cinema in his basement. And then there’s this:

I dunno, if it’s as good as Epic Movie (hint: not very) it might be worth atleast a pirating. If you know what I mean.

And before I go, allow me to rape your mind with some awesome Maximum the Hormone. BooEeeeeOoooo.

So Heath Ledger died yesterday, as one particular internet forum continuously reminds ME. Drug overdose it seems. Thankfully he got done with Batman before he personally kicked his bucket. I guess this means the Joker won’t be escaping from Arkham any time soon. Ba-Dum-Dum-pish. I think I need to go back to bed.

leave your pain on the bedroom floor again

So where do I begin? 21 people turned up, and I won enough of them to get a prestegious third place. Infact, taking a look at the rankings, (that if you’re on the organiser’s mailing list, should be in your inbox) I’m just a cat’s whisker away from 2nd place. Out of the 5 rounds we had, it went like this: rounds 1-3 were 2-0 to me, round four I played against the guy who came in first place, I flooded a bit and he pwnes me with an army of flying faeries (who you can see me playing of you got the pictures sent round with the tourney results), round 5 I go 2-1. Overall 4 wins, 1 loss. Though most of the joy came in the first and third rounds, where I played against players who are locally considered, how shall I say, annoying… Dicks. That made my day. Then there was the amazing card pool I lucked into, which I assume is a gift from the gods to make up for the atrocity that was the Lorwyn Pre-release where my only decent card was Hamletback Goliath and I had nothing to make him evasable. I lucked into two foil rares, giving me 8 rares out of a usual 6. Rares were: Masked Admirers, Kinsbale Cavalier (foil), Epic Proportions, Shapesharer (foil), Grimorie Theif, Leaf-Crowned Elder, Declaration of Naught and the pimp that is, Ajani Goldmane. Looking at the rest of the pool, Blue was pointless, lots of counters not enough flyers. Red and Black wise, there was not enough cheap removal to warrent me playing them, let alone a splash. And considering that over half my rares were W/G, how could I not build this:

Not So Fast Kaiba! [taps 4 land] I Summon Ajani Goldmane!.dec - 40 cards

Creatures x16
1x Nath’s Elite
1x Changeling Hero
1x Masked Admirers
1x Kinsbaile Cavalier
1x Kinsbaile Baloonist
1x Changeling Sentinel
1x Lys Alana Bowmaster
1x Springjack Knight
1x Kithkin Zephyrnaught
1x Elvish Warrior
1x Wolf-Skull Shaman
1x Kithkin Daggerdare
1x Cenn’s Tactician
1x Goldmeadow Harrier
1x Mosquito Guard
1x Elvish Eulogist

Other x7
1x Ajani Goldmane
1x Daily Regimen
1x Earthbrawn
1x Surge of Thoughtweft
1x Gilt-Leaf Ambush
1x Moonglove Extract
1x Hunting Triad

Land x17
1x Shimmering Grotto
9x Plains
7x Forest

The deck wasn’t originally 40 cards, it was somthing like 45, then I discovered that I didn’t have enough deck protectors, only 40, So I had to cut some things out, which were, 2 land, an Earthbrawn, a Kithkin Zephyrnaught and my Epic Proportions. I think the cuts ended up in my favour.

Strategically, the deck was pretty sound, atleast when it wasn’t flooding my ass with mana. It ended up being a summon-pump-swing strategy most of the time, with most of the pumping being done by Daily Regimen (emagine a 6/6 Goldmeadow Harrier and you’ll get the picture). And I had the elf tokens for defence if I needed them, which wasn’t very often. Ajani helped alot, though I think most of my opponents considered him more of a threat than he actually was, I never set out to use his final ability at all, it’s useless unless I can give the token some evasion, which I couldn’t. He’s most useful in this environment for gaining life and pumping my shit when I need it, which rarely happened. He was useful however, for comedic value, seeing the “Oh Shit” face on my opponents when they see him either hit the table or revealed through a clash. I am a bit annoyed at one thing, almost every game, I got out my Wolf-Skull Shaman, and never once, did I get a wolf token. Monster of the Match award goes to Ajani.

Prize-Wise, I left with 5 Morningtide Boosters, a Lorwyn Tournament Pack, 3 Random Promo Cards, The Pre-Release Card, 100x Official Deck Protectors, An Awesome drink-cooling giant cup, and a packet of Fisherman’s Friend. I got some decent rares out of the prizes too, namely a Thoughtseize, a Bitterblossom and a Sower of Temptation that should help in the building of my upcoming Faerie deck, and a really cool looking Foil Hamletback Goliath. And man! Does that cup keep my drinks cool. I think though, what I left this pre-release with was a realisation, that I really do miss playing Magic, and that I shouldn’t not play. I should atleast play every so often, even if it is in a lesser capasity than before. So officially consider me trolling Ebay for the next fortnight, sniping the Morningtide pre-orders, and I think a trip to Highlander Games is in order.

In the non-cardboard gaming scene, I found some nice gameplay of the upcoming Penny Arcade Adventures game (entitled: The Rain Slick Precipice of Darkness). Looks to me that the game is near completion. And I love the Roll For Initiative reference. Enjoy the Hobo Fights:

Today’s hilarious content comes in the form of a great prank call video ala-Half-Life. The Radio host seems to be totally buying into the prank too. enjoy.

In other news, to pull us out of the MTG hole, looks like bungie’s got themselves some RL copies of some halo equipment via WETA. CHECK IT. I cant wait until the photoshoops begin. And if you just can’t wait til the return of Lost and House, which is happening very soon, THIS page might aid your television obsession.

they lay still black and blue, a gift from us to you